05 Oct 3 Things Living in Multiple Countries Has Taught Me About People

Posted at 22:57h in Uncategorized by Anna Bertoldini

Background

I’ve moved a lot ever since I was a kid. I was born and raised by an American mother and Italian father in Venice, Italy, and traveled regularly to the United States to visit my mom’s family.

After about 18 years of living in Venice, I moved to my mom’s hometown of Buffalo, NY to attend my last year of high school, graduate, and go to college. The situation then reversed and each year I would travel for the Summer and Winter breaks to visit my dad’s family back in Venice. So at least twice a year I traveled back and forth across the Atlantic Ocean to my different homes — packing my life in a suitcase for a few months.

Once I graduated from college, I moved to Vienna, Austria for love. I didn’t know German and didn’t possess any relevant experience to offer a company so I scanned the Internet for graduate programs and found a marketing and sales master’s in English. I had studied international relations and communication for my bachelor’s, so it made sense. After graduating with a master’s degree and an internship in Germany under my belt, I moved to Budapest for a job position and after a year now I move again.

Living in different countries has definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions, the constant change and dynamism are both exhilarating and exhausting, keeping me on my toes while leaving a constant yearning for stability. The concept of a home blurs while the notion of family expands from traditional blood bonds to include strong friendships as well.

I went through periods of deep introspection, pondering over my experience, what I’ve learned, and how it all affected my persona. So here it is:

1. Don’t expect people to accommodate you

An important part of living in another country is being able to adapt and integrate into another culture. This is probably the hardest and most rewarding aspect of living abroad. You have the privilege of being completely immersed in a new world where people look, act, and think differently from you.

While moving across borders, I learned that at the beginning you will feel awkward. Because you’re acting under the code of etiquette from your home country, you may feel different, singled-out, or observed. Sometimes it’s okay to proceed with your usual routine in your new home, but more often than not you will need to make some changes to integrate better. You’re expected to memorize and follow the local code of conduct.

As you adapt to your new environment, it’s okay to ask questions. Ask as many questions as needed, without judgment, and show sincere curiosity in learning more about the new place you’re living in. Whether it be asking about local etiquette or nightlife, locals are more than eager to pass on some precious information.

Upgrading from acquaintances to friends is a slow process that needs constant attention and nurturing, often involving accommodating others because you are the outsider. You may need to try new activities or develop a new sense of humor more fitting to local taste. Do not expect people to approach you because you’re “different” or “exotic”, you are just like everyone else and it’s your responsibility to roll up your sleeves and make friends.

2. Socializing requires a massive amount of time and effort

Something I learned the hard way as I moved to new places is that making new friends is a HUGE effort, and you have to do most of the heavy lifting. As we grow older it gets harder to make friendships, especially in a foreign place. Meeting people can be a complicated undertaking for some people as they get older, but having acquaintances differs greatly from having friends. We follow patterns of behavior our previous environment dictated that, doing what we thought we should be doing. But as we move elsewhere, we understand things differently and many situations and behaviors that we accepted as valid before cease to be so.

As adults, we build our lives around our work and family, making it harder to book time with people. Locals in your new city already have their networks and friendships, so it’s up to you to reach out and ask people to go out or have a coffee together. Sometimes local people, intrigued by your background, will make a friendly first move but it’s on you to get out there and make new connections.

Another important lesson is that new friendships need lots of time and energy. You will spend much of your free time at the beginning of your adventure hanging with new people, listening to their stories, and asking questions. The more effort you put in, the more people notice and start to return the favor by inviting you out and introducing you to their circles.

3. Relationships are subject to a lot of miscommunication problems

Foreign accents are hot, there’s no denying it. When someone speaks your language with an accent, it adds a layer of exoticism and mystery, which entices you to want to learn more about them.

Especially in intercultural couples, dating someone from a different background is like playing a new game and skipping the tutorial. Cultural differences manifest the more you interact and get to know each other. Your history, different native languages, and a plethora of opposing experiences under your belt make who you are today. This can cause friction but also enables you to develop tolerance and the ability to compromise.

In college and throughout my twenties I had plenty of international dating experiences and each was definitely a learning lesson. Both because we had different senses of humor and because we had different routines! For example, I dated an Austrian who ate more in the morning, a mid-sized lunch, and a tiny dinner. Whereas my parents raised me with a small breakfast, mid-sized lunch, and a big dinner, so we often had to compromise when we ate together.

When you move to a new country and you’re single, the market will differ from the one in your home country, so go out and explore — making sure you don’t invest too much emotional energy in someone at first unless you’re certain. It’s good to explore and go out with different people, so rely on your instincts and the feeling of chemistry.

Conclusion

Here are some learnings about people and socializing in new countries. The moral is really to expect to put in a lot of work, take initiative, and put yourself out there! You’ll have many nights you won’t remember with people you’ll never forget.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments section 🙂

Tags:

culture, expat, happiness, health, inspiration, life, lifestyle, people, travel, work

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