31 May Life Tips from a Twentysomething, Part #2

After writing my first article Life Tips from a Twentysomething, I decided to follow up one year later with a part two. There’s been a pandemic after all, and I’m a little over one year wiser, so it *obviously* needed an update.

I’m still a lost yet ambitious twentysomething with a hard-earned degree and wide smile navigating the world of adulthood. I still binge on Netflix, struggle to figure out how to pay taxes, and eat peanut butter from the jar by the forkful. There’s no shame in that.

I can rock a presentation and still die a bit on the inside if I mess up a word and I can ably wield multiple social media platforms while still Google how to poach an egg.

But life as a twentysomething is like that, an age of in-betweens. Where some skills come naturally, while others, which used to be common knowledge, need to be thoroughly researched. Your twenties are an age of self-discovery and growth — both exciting an painful.

I’m 26 so technically closer to 30 than to 20, which some people dread while I feel relieved about. Things are slowly making more sense as I put them into perspective as years go by. Drama and restlessness are slowly leaving more room for gratitude and mindfulness.

Last year, I laid out my tips from my learnings as a twentysomething before, all mostly centered around being mindful and forgiving towards others and being open to new experiences. Now, I want to add a couple more — again, none of these were researched, tested, dissected, or consulted with anyone, they just come from pure life experiences.

So here it goes.

Assume most people have good intentions

There’s this tendency to assume other people have malevolent intentions towards you, like if someone bumps into you while leaving a store or when someone snags the last two tickets to a party before you. It’s called hostile attribution bias.

I’ve been there, sometimes if someone takes forever to reply to a text I start thinking “are they ignoring me?” which isn’t the best feeling. I go from thinking “oh they must be busy” to “oh, weird, they usually would have answered by now,” to “what did I do wrong?”

I’ll talk more about that soon.

So then once I pony up the courage to confront them, there’s a super valid reason for the lag in answering, and I feel like an idiot for reading the whole thing wrong.

So I challenged myself to assume positive intentions, and I’ve really been surprised by the results. By countering my negative internal self-talk, I’ve developed more compassion and understanding for people than I ever had.

By relying on more logical explanations for people’s behaviors and words, I take into account everyone’s different circumstances. This hasn’t just helped become a happier person, it’s also been helping cultivate and strengthen my relationships.

So don’t think that people are out to get you or make an effort to spite you. In relationships or in interacting with strangers, be tolerant and understanding. You don’t know what others are going through and many times, if someone’s being rude or snaps back, it really isn’t about you.

I can be an anxious person, I often think it’s me. They don’t like me, did I do something wrong? What did I do?

As a twentysomething, some things still seem dramatic. I’ll feel devastated if someone dismisses one of my ideas or disregards an opinion, and I can get upset if I feel disrespected over minor behaviors. But I work on it every day, thickening my skin while also wearing my heart on my sleeve.

This can work in a relationship, at work, in friendships, in family gatherings, or even with strangers. Learning to take things less seriously is a skill that can benefit you in the short and long term.

I believe that when you understand that most things are not about you, you really start growing and seeing things more objectively, attributing the right importance to events and situations.

If someone isn’t on their best behavior, I make a conscious effort to not take it personally, because there’s so much happening in people’s lives nowadays and it’s okay to have a bad day. If the bad behavior continues, I make sure to respectfully point it out.

I’ve actually made good friends that way, just by showing kindness. Instead of reacting angrily at a person’s behavior, I try to approach them asking sincerely if everything’s ok, and that has opened the door to a whole new world. I’ve discovered the plethora of battles many people fight every single day, and although it doesn’t excuse bad behavior, it’s stuff to be aware of.

Compassion goes a long way, and it can change a person’s day or even someone’s life.

You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react

We can’t control other people and we can’t control the environment we’re in (we can create it, but not have complete control over it). The one thing over which we can exert, and keep control of, is our self and the way we react to any, and every, situation.

When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Viktor Frankl

One of my favorite twentysomething learnings was that I may not be able to control the events in my life, but I can definitely control my reactions to them. I used to have a really hot temper, when I got angry I would indulge in the feeling and act out, often leading to an unproductive conflict.

Now, I take a different approach. I try to disengage myself from the feeling (I say “try to” because I’m not always successful!). Instead of getting into a shouting game, when you feel yourself getting angry, catch yourself. Remember that it’s a good time to watch what you say. This sort of mindfulness can prevent a lot of emotional and hurtful words you may regret.

Your mood is your choice, and that makes you incredibly powerful. You are the driver. It takes a lot of self-control to respond calmly to an issue and make a conscious effort to understand the other person, but it’s incredibly rewarding to keep instincts at bay and lean on logic to handle things correctly.

Compassion towards others, once again, always wins. Whatever happens to you, whether it be good or bad, showing empathy and knowing that there are limits in life always brings you back to the present, reminding you that you have lots to appreciate.

Others might disappoint you, things might take a turn for the worse even though you planned them through, and even you yourself may discover you have certain limits and give up. And that’s ok. How you react is final piece of the equation that can make or break a situation — it’s the attitude that determines whether something is good or bad.

This knowledge has been so useful in my life recently, especially during the pandemic. Ever since I realized that what upsets me isn’t the event itself but my reaction to it, I’ve felt like I’ve regained an incredible amount of control.

The ones who seem “lucky” or “talented” are generally the ones who prepare most

Overnight successes come from a history of many failures. The ones who rock a presentation are those who recited it the most. What may seem like luck is actually preparedness.

As a twentysomething, I looked up to people who just seemed like they were naturals and had it all figured out, thinking it was just talent. But I quickly found out that it was a mix of talent and relentless practice and diligence.

Naturals are those who hone in on a skill and refine it to the point that it becomes “natural”.

I noticed how that happened my with public speaking skills. At the beginning, I was awkward, choppy, and nervous — I would either speak too fast or fill my speeches with pauses and unnecessary stops. I sounded very insecure. But I didn’t give up, in fact, I kept taking any opportunity I could to speak publicly and kept bettering my technique, all while practicing my speeches until my neighbors would be tired of hearing me.

Now, although I still get nervous (we all do!) I feel more confident than ever. I’ve practiced, I got this. I never wing a presentation or important event, it’s just not worth it. I’ll never get the same results as if I had prepared and polished every rough edge.

If you want to be successful, don’t count on talent, count on discipline. Better yet, set yourself up for success.

Find what works for you — plan things on your calendar, make to-do lists, or grab a buddy to reach key milestones with. Set up a system to support you in reaching your goals, automating and preparing for moments of weakness. The calendar will schedule time, to-do lists will give visibility and provide clear next steps, and the buddy will hold you accountable.

It’s all about preparation and awareness that we’re human and will have hiccups in our journeys to reach our goals, so diligence is the true way to success.

Think about your finances, it’s never too early

Ah, money. The big elephant in the room. Some cultures love to talk about it, for others it’s a taboo. But money is important, it brings freedom and power.

Alone, it doesn’t lead to happiness, but it allows access to services and tools which will enable happiness.

Therapy: money. Gym membership: money. Health care: money. Time off: money. Treat yourself: money.

Yes, you need a certain degree of financial liberty to be happy. And you can totally achieve it, as long as you’re mindful about your finances.

This doesn’t mean building huge excel sheets outlining all your spending and categorizing it (yep I had that), it just means being mindful about where your money goes and how much value your spending adds. Fixed expenses are impossible to avoid (rent, utilities, etc) but there are many sneaky splurges you may be overlooking.

I noticed I was spending a ton of money on eating out, so I decided to turn a lot of meal dates with friends into coffees. Same lovely experience, big saving.

There are many apps out there to track your spending, without the manual labor. If this is the first time you do this exercise, you’ll be mind-blown by where you spend big chunks of your hard-earned cash!

Set some financial goals, and zero-in on them. For example, set aside some money each month to buy a house, or start that MBA, or go on that dream vacation. Whatever it is, visualize and work towards that goal.

To reach your financial goals, use the 50/20/30 budget rule brought forth by Senator Elizabeth Warren in her book All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan. This rule involves diving up after-tax income into three spending categories: 50% on needs, 30% on wants, and setting aside 20% to savings. Mint has a great calculator for this.

When saving, also think about investing. I’m still exploring this topic so I’ll speak about it more in the future.

For some, this may be difficult. Many people have a hard time just paying for their needs. What’s important is just to be mindful and allocate the right amount of importance to money, taking steps to building a better financial future within your means.

Conclusion

So there you have it, another few twentysomething learnings for the record. I’ve lived an intense few years on this planet and there’s always something new to learn, from anything and anyone.

Keeping an open and sharp mind allows us to absorb knowledge and learn from experiences. As I keep noticing things, I’ll share them, because we can all keep learning from each other through our unique and diverse stories.