19 May The Power of Self-Love

The path to self-love

Let me start by telling you this is not a story meant to spark sadness, pity, or hate against our culture of artificial beauty. This is a story I want to share to help you realize how important it is to love who you are.

It is up to us to find happiness and strength from our hardships, large and small. It is the painful times that shape our ability to cope with life’s difficulties and power our resilience.

I want to share my story so you can be inspired to see your body as something beautiful, capable of healing itself, and of achieving amazing things.

Frankly, no matter how hard you try to change, you’re only given one chance to nurture it, by treating it with love and respect. So embrace it and see it in all its perfect imperfections as the shell that protects your beautiful soul.

How it all started

I still remember that morning I hopped on the scale, eager to see what popped up.
It wasn’t the first time I had used the scale, but this time was different.

“-1 kg,” it said.

What? How? I could not believe my eyes.

I remember how happy I was; I thought I had just shed light on one of mankind’s biggest secrets. It all started making sense.

Note: I was a chubby kid with a big appetite.

Rewind a few hours to the night before: I had gone out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I ate a plethora of delicious foods. I plowed through platters of oily Cantonese rice, crispy Pecking duck, salty sauteed shrimp, and a big ball of deep-fried ice cream to top it all off.

It was marvelous.

Food was my best friend, and it could make me feel so happy and blissful, I never would have imagined it could turn rogue on me.

Later, when I got home, I found out my taste buds weren’t exactly in sync with my stomach. I felt pangs of nausea and immediately ran to the bathroom as I felt everything coming up. I spent the next 45 minutes over the toilet ridding myself of all that was in my stomach.

I hated it.

Fast-forward back to the next day, when I hopped on the scale and saw that I had lost 1 full kilo. “That was easy,” I thought to myself, “I didn’t even have to work for it.”

At that moment, a little light bulb went on in my head: “I can eat whatever I want and devour all my favorite foods as long as I then get rid of it afterward!”

And that’s how it all started.

It began with once a day

I would do it solely after dinner… I would eat my meal with my family and then slowly creep away to the bathroom with some excuse, switch on the shower, grab a toothbrush, and done. I watched all the calories wash down the toilet as I grinned with pleasure.

Each morning was a moment of joy, as I quickly lost kg after kg, shedding all that unwanted fat, and started gaining newfound confidence in my looks. People were noticing me, telling me how thin and great I looked.

Little did they know their innocent comments were fueling a habit that would wreck my life for almost 4 years.

I soon joined the gym to speed up the fat-burning process.

I also cut down calories.

When I felt that I ate too much, arbitrarily determining what “too much” was, I quickly hit the bathroom and then ran to the gym to burn off the last bit of food remaining in my gut.

My record was purging 3 times a day, after every meal.

I exercised obsessively. I was miserable but I felt that I was also reaching my weight goals – every kilo lost was a win and there was no way to stop this path from spiraling out of control.

Except for a few select foods, I considered most things I ate toxins that needed to come out. I tried to restrict my calorie intake to 800 calories a day, feeling a burning sense of hunger and a fiery determination to lose the little fat I had remaining on my body. That fat I saw mostly came from a perpetual case of body dysmorphia.

I made lists of “good” and “bad” foods. Foods I considered OK were fruit, vegetables, certain lean meats, and nonfat dairy.

But even the “good” foods did not save themselves when I felt a little too full after a meal. If I felt a little bulge in my stomach, I quickly ran to the bathroom.

Anyway, things got pretty bad.

I wasn’t able to digest things properly anymore, as my body wasn’t used to working with complete meals. My lips became dry and chapped constantly. Little white spots on my nails and teeth signaled calcium deficiencies and my energy levels were at an all-time low.

To fuel my gym training I relied heavily on coffee, B vitamins, and delirium.

I knew this lifestyle could not go on forever. I felt that I would eventually either pass out from sheer exhaustion or be hospitalized for a damaged esophagus from all the stomach acid that kept traveling up and down my throat. Plus, I knew it was unhealthy, but I just ignored the thought.

I didn’t enjoy food anymore.

I loved eating, but I always had that voice in the back of my head saying: “Enjoy it now because later you must get rid of it.”

The day I realized this had to stop

My parents had eventually found out about my unhealthy habits and eating disorder.

My dad discovered my purging by creeping upstairs after I went to the bathroom after dinner. He waited patiently outside the bathroom door until I finished, and then gave me a sad look of disapproval when I eventually opened the door.

My mom found out in the same way. She noticed a pattern as I escaped to the bathroom after meals and took constant showers (I turned on the faucet to hide any retching noises). She immediately sent me to a therapist to talk about my issues.

The therapist asked me lots of questions about my family and my thoughts about my body, realizing soon how badly I hated myself. She pinpointed “bulimia nervosa” as my problem, readily whipping out a set of standard questions every ED patient receives.

She asked me what was wrong with my body and if I could specify what I wanted to change. I described the rolls of fat I saw around my waist, my “massive” arms that got larger as I pressed them against my body, and my unattractive round face.

She gave me some recommendations for solutions to my problem, but I angrily believed that she could not understand what I was going through at all.

How could she?

She couldn’t feel what I was feeling. She couldn’t see what was materializing in front of me. She could not comprehend the number of complexities affecting the way I perceived myself.

Her solution to “take a walk after a meal” instead of purging sounded ridiculous. Really? Is that the best you can do? You really think taking a walk will distract me from my obsessive need to dash to the bathroom?

Our minds are so powerful, we can convince ourselves of anything.

I convinced myself that I could keep going on with my lifestyle because I was thin and beautiful. Because everyone noticed and complimented me, and because I felt alive and a sense of approval.

But then I read an article.

I read the tragic story of the Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston, who died at 21 after subsisting on a diet comprising apples and tomatoes. Learning about her experience shocked me to the core. How could this happen? How could she or anyone around her let her get to that point?

Her story felt so relatable and the horrible ending signaled where this path would lead me if I kept going.

I started researching the repercussions of an eating disorder. I had been putting it off throughout my unhealthy journey toward my unreachable ideals of beauty. I learned that the effects of an eating disorder were social isolation, infertility, internal bleeding, heart attacks, and death.

These effects were scary and a wake-up call I couldn’t afford to ignore.

So I decided it was time to be strong. The price for beauty was too high.

What is beauty?

My path to recovery

I started going to the gym on a less frequent basis, I re-introduced – formerly considered toxic – food into my diet, and ignored the voice inside my head telling me I was “too” full.

It was hard to break old habits and I won’t lie; I took one step forward and two steps backward at times. In moments of weakness, I still hit the bathroom or worked out a bit too long.

But change takes time.

As I made progress, I noticed visible improvements almost immediately.

My hair grew nice and thick again.

My skin returned to its normal, plump, and soft self (no more cracked lips and dry hands!).

My nails grew back without white spots and my teeth looked healthier.

I could also digest food properly.

The most important improvement was viewing myself differently. I embraced all parts of my body and didn’t depend on external approval to feel good about myself. Sure, I still recognized flaws and imperfections, but I loved them and accepted them as part of who I was.

I could also join friends and family for meals again without worrying about accessing a bathroom after eating or obsessing over the menu.

Above all, I began my path towards self-love.

How to self-love after a raging eating disorder

Now, I’m not a guru or a trained professional in the field, but I can tell you how I incorporated self-love into my life.

Here some positive habits that worked for me:

Be patient with self-love

Self-love takes time.

Fully experience every emotion that comes because of your recovery and embraces it as part of your healing process.

Recruit people to be there for you when you down in the dumps, don’t be afraid to speak about your feelings, and do not rely on food for comfort.

Find out what you’re good at and kick butt

Focus less on what you look like and nurture your talents and interests.

Do you love writing? Start a blog and tell the world what’s going on in your head. Do you have a passion for cooking? Read up on some recipes and practice your skills (if that triggers you, don’t do it). Do you love arts and crafts? Get crafty!

Finding your talent really shifts your focus to something positive you know you can control and do right.

What would other people say to be your outstanding qualities? List your talents, skills, and achievements. You’ve got so much to offer!

To self-love, count your blessings

When you stop and think about all your fortunes, you feel truly lucky.

You’re healthy.

You’re reading this blog, thus you have a device to do so or access to the internet.

You have a roof over your head.

You’re surrounded by people who love you.

You have an education.

I remember that as I frowned upon my body’s flaws during a small moment of weakness in my recovery. At that moment, I started thinking about my blessings and how fortunate I was to have access to food at all, money in my account, or a warm bed to sleep in.
We each have a lot to be thankful for, so focus on the positives!

Self-love therapy: Listen to music

Music is therapy and really fuels your happy emotions. According to recent research, they have found classical music to cause comfort and relaxation.

Music may achieve its therapeutic effects in part by elevating the pain threshold during hardships.

How to self-love: List the parts of your body that you like

Instead of seeking out for flaws when you look in the mirror, appreciate the things you like about how you look.

If you’re distracted by “flaws,” remind yourself that nobody’s perfect. Even supermodels are subject to Photoshop interventions.

You’ve got beautiful chocolate eyes.

You have sleek, soft hair.

You’ve got killer long legs.

Self-love requires NO negative self-talk

When you catch yourself being self-critical or negative, stop and challenge the thought.

Ask yourself what evidence you have to support the notion. What is the evidence against the negative thought?

Just because you believe something, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Provide positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones. The road isn’t easy, but you can do it!

Find your worth, realize your value, and appreciate who you are. You are gorgeous inside and out.

No one is perfect and that’s what makes us unique.

You have so much to offer the world and the only person who doesn’t see this is you!

Conclusion

I hope my story inspired you. I know the moment I realized how worthy I am of love; I nurtured and respect my body. I may not always be kind to it, but a balance is key, and your body WILL forgive you. Your body has the amazing power to heal itself if you treat it right.

Self-love brings acceptance, better relationships, and strength that can open many doors in life.

Note: this story is from a few years ago, my eating disorder lasted from about 2009 until 2011/2012. I can now tell this story without triggering. If you have a story, you would like to tell and feel safe to do so, I’d love to hear.