06 Nov Today I Turn 25. Here Are the 3 Things I’ve Learned
Rebuilding oneself, year after year
Wow, what a ride.
Today, on November 6th, I turn 25. A quarter of a century, halfway to 50, shifting to the “wrong side” of my twenties. However you want to put it, it’s a big milestone.
Looking back to when I graduated high school at 17, I could not have imagined all the adventures I would embark on. College, graduate school, many loves and heartbreaks, and a plethora of professional experiences to top it all off. I’ve lived in 6 countries, had 3 long-term relationships, gained and lost countless friendships along the way, and have kept one Eeyore plush toy which always awaits me back home.
Ever since I left Venice, my hometown, it’s been a roller coaster of new environments and continuous rebuilding of my life from scratch in every new place. I had to reinvent myself so many times that I’m often not able to recognize who I was the year before. My personality has developed, my knowledge of people and cultures has refined, and my communication style has evolved to fit any situation — like an expert chameleon.
So what are my major learnings to pass on?
I’ve learned a lot of things in the twenty-five years I’ve been on this planet, but I’ll save more for a separate article. Here I’ll sum up the three biggest learnings I gathered through both the easy and hard ways that I wish I’d known years ago:
Change is hard but worth it
No one will tell you this, but moving to a new place, changing jobs, making new friends, and even trying a new recipe is hard — sometimes traumatizing. Routines are comfortable and easy to keep up once we get into them. Shaking things up with a novel activity or thought is hard — it’s uncomfortable and tough to process, but it’s mind-opening and beneficial to our overall growth.
In the past, every time I moved to a new country it meant having to roll up my sleeves, break out my best politically correct jokes, and smile to the point of paralysis to win hearts and minds. To this day I build my network through apps such as Bumble BFF, Meetup, Facebook groups, and work colleagues.
The first few times I met up with a new person it always felt like a risk, I didn’t know who would be in front of me and if we were going to “click”, but even in the worst cases, it was a learning experience. It’s good to get an idea of who you like to hang out with and what qualities you look for (or to avoid) in a friend. It’s a similar process to finding a romantic partner, actually. It also takes time, effort, and open-mindedness.
For example, I’m a creature of habit and really enjoy my spaces. For me, finding a new gym when I moved to a new city or neighborhood sucked. I enjoy going to the same gym, possibly close to my house and having either a morning or evening session planned out beforehand. I don’t enjoy lugging myself to new gyms to find the perfect one and navigate through new environments and rusty dumbbells. Big tall glass of nope.
But change is worth it. Change requires an effort that pays off through new knowledge and skills, especially when creating new relationships and developing critical adulting capabilities. Instead of frying your egg and peppering it, try poaching it tomorrow and add some paprika. Maybe it’ll taste better.
Value your time
You really don’t have to accept every single invitation you receive to go out or do something you may not enjoy, with people that mildly bother you. Your time is precious, spend it the way you like, whether that be learning a new language or watching your favorite TV series. Up to you. Value your time and give yourself a breather, allow yourself to say no, even if it’s just to pour yourself a glass of wine and hang out on your couch.
By setting boundaries and learning to say “no”, I saved myself from countless situations I would have regretted later. I can’t even remember all the parties I went to in the past where I caught myself thinking “this is exactly why I didn’t want to go out tonight”. I love being social and the life of the fiesta when I’m around others, but I also like to be introverted sometimes and indulge in some self-care. You should too, whenever you feel like it. No questions asked.
On the inside, we’re all insecure creatures in need of validation, often achieved through going out partying a little too often with people who are a little too not your cup of tea, leaving us with the feeling of “why I did I do that?”. It’s fun to meet up and be with the people who give you joy and light up your soul, so be there when it feels right and when you genuinely want to do it, not when you feel pressured or forced to. Life is not a race or a popularity contest, make your own rules.
Life is short, go for it
As a millennial, I was raised to believe that I could be anything I wanted and that I possessed/would be handed all the tools necessary to achieve my dreams.
Nope. Not even close.
A lot of what I’ve achieved I’ve gotten through hard work and dedication, through taking calculated risks and plunging myself into the darkness hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I switched career paths, countries, partners, and goals to understand what I was really looking for — never settling for an uncomfortable or toxic situation. It’s just wasn’t worth the misery.
When you want something, be proactive about making it happen, because no one will flash a shiny green light when it’s the right moment. You decide that for yourself.
Want something? Ask for it. Do you crave taking that trip to Bali? If you can, jump on that flight. Are you looking to switch jobs and join that cool new startup you’ve been following on LinkedIn? Apply for the position. Thinking about asking that person out on a date? Go for it. Initiative and confidence are both sexy and useful in realizing your ambitions and sometimes in socializing you with rejection, which is also beneficial for self-development. Behind every success story, there’s a ton of hidden failures that build character and reinforce the notion that goals are worth fighting for.
You really never know what can happen, so it’s always better to put yourself out there rather than hold back and wonder what could have been.
Recently, a dear friend of mine passed away. My best friend, actually. We had a falling-out a few months ago, and I was waiting for her to make the first move and to hand over an olive branch since I felt like it was “her turn to do it”. I remained passive as days, weeks, and months went by without hearing a peep on her side, until the day I got the awful phone call. She was gone, and I never got to see her smiling face again or even to say goodbye. The last text involved me scolding her for not exerting enough effort when maybe all I had to do was accept her for who she was and appreciate every single part of her — for the good and the bad.
I loved her deeply and can’t put into words the suffering I went through when hearing the news, so I’ll just say that after grieving and embracing my sadness, I ponied up the strength to channel that negative energy into a learning opportunity. Pride and resentment are the prime enemies of peace and happiness and will only hurt you rather than helping you. So take that leap, mend those ties, and reach for what you deserve — you never know what the future may hold.
Conclusion
I may have made some mistakes, but these 25 years have been good to me so far. Heartbreaks and suffering have built my character and toughened my skin, while successes and achievements have fueled my drive to continue developing. I’m grateful for where I am and who I have become. There’s always room for improvement and that’s part of the adventure.
What happens next? Who knows. 25 candles later and I still hug my Eeyore late at night.