09 Oct What It Feels Like to Constantly Have to Prove Your Identity: Part 1
Posted at 22:37h
in Psychology
How many times have you heard the sentence “don’t judge a book by its cover”?
Well, many of us still do. Just read my article on shifting from the majority to a minority. Especially with people, looks can be deceiving.
I’ll tell you a funny story:
Every single time I travel to or have a layover in the Netherlands, everyone thinks I’m Dutch. Seriously, I’ll board the KLM flight and have all the hostesses beam bright smiles at me and say “welcome on board!” (which mean welcome on board in Dutch) and to the next person say the same sentence in English. Passengers sitting next to me will unapologetically start speaking to me in full-blown Dutch like a missile until I finally get the chance to answer “Sorry I’m not from here.” Store and restaurant staff in the Netherlands will first initiate a conversation in Dutch before quickly understanding I don’t speak it. My looks also don’t turn any heads — I look EXACTLY like everyone around me, minus a bicycle.
The reason people think I’m Dutch is that I’m tall, white, light-haired, and have soft facial features typical of Western Europe. The funny thing is, I’m actually Italian-American, with the American side being Irish and the other being Northern Italian.
In Asia, I definitely did not look like the rest. No one spoke to me in Japanese, Korean, Indonesian, or Thai and not a single soul asked me for directions (except one group of American tourists who needed help in English and couldn’t find anybody else).
On a Japan Airlines flight from Seoul to Tokyo, I was sitting next to an Asian woman who was ethnically Japanese but grew up in the UK and didn’t speak Japanese. The staff continuously spoke to her in Japanese before she sheepishly corrected them that she didn’t speak Japanese. She also didn’t provide the arrival immigration document for foreigners at first and had to ask for it later.
In Tokyo, she got directed to the designated “Japanese passports” lane at the immigration checkpoint, only to have to return to the back of the “other passports” queue. Although the whole situation was comical, her life story as a second-generation Japanese in London was fascinating, it must’ve been frustrating to justify her identity to people. In London, where she grew up, she was considered foreign even though her parents raised her British, going as far as speaking to her in English instead of Japanese at home. But because of her looks, she was always considered and treated as different.
Back to my story, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be ethnically different from the majority in the place I live in, or what it’s like to be a minority my whole life, but I can relate to the feeling just a little.
I grew up in Italy. Even though there are many blonde tall Italians where I come from, the majority is still brown-haired, dark-eyed, and shorter. So I stand out, not in a bad way, but I am often spoken to (and cat-called) in English when I travel around Italy. Once I answer back in Italian, it’s crystal clear that I’m a local, but it’s still annoying that I have to “prove” my identity (I never have this problem in the United States, where there is no average look for an American). It’s so psychologically draining to have to explain yourself that sometimes I just go with being foreign on the streets.
If you look like the majority and meet a person with your same background but different looks, please be mindful. Don’t act surprised if you meet a Chinese-German, a Black Albanian, or a tall white Italian for example. We’re here, we’re like you, speaking the same language, bearing the same culture — we just look different!
Many people go through this perception of being left out or marginalized from their own culture, never feeling like they’re fitting in. I think it’s a cool superpower to eavesdrop on conversations between people speaking your language who don’t know you understand it too. I’ve listened in on many hilarious comments from oblivious people who thought no one would understand them. Wield it!
Who else can relate to these feelings of identity crises? Please share in the comments 🙂